So Alive Yet So Challenged

I truly realized this past week how my life can be both beautiful and disabling on a daily basis. Thank goodness over the last decade, I have learned how to accommodate for my severe, complex, chronic PTSD enough to have a purposeful, hopeful, and exciting life while negotiating pain and suffering daily. I am on the greatest adventure of my life – to continue to learn to be in a loving, kind, and compassionate relationship with myself and another individual. (A gift I never thought I would have nor deserved in my life.) Loving with your full heart is what I am learning and I am becoming more capable of it every day. It is bringing me such joy, beauty, and a sense of completeness. In addition, I feel so intellectually, relationally and spiritually alive. However, I cannot simply rest appreciating these incredible gifts, instead my PTSD magnifies my hypervigilance and sends my brain and body reeling. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

For example, I have had difficulty this past week just doing basic personal care things such as getting my teeth brushed, preparing a meal, eating, remembering medication and so on. My prefrontal cortex shut down, my dissociation, constriction, and hypervigliance became significant. I have been struggling to write this entry because my thoughts and energy have been racing causing such disorganization and a continuous cycle of brain fog and prefrontal cortex shut down. It is a reminder of how profoundly PTSD can disrupt daily basic functioning.

My therapist is always telling me that I can’t take challenging days out of context. I need to take into consideration what is going on in my internal and external environment. Therefore, some of my increased anxiety/hypervigilance this week may be due to the fact my husband has some health concerns and I am worried. Furthermore, I shared with some people that I was writing a blog. I think I felt a little exposed and vulnerable yet I know it is the right thing for me to do at this point on my journey.

One of my doctors thinks I have major depression along with my PTSD. Instead, I think I have profound sadness. I feel sadness because of all the challenges I face daily. I feel it right now because I have such ambition and drive to contribute to the evolution of society and the universe because I am clearly connected to my own beauty and pain as well as the beauty and pain of the universe. Furthermore, I have a desire to contribute to the well being of the whole. However, this ambition, drive and desire to contribute also causes an increase in my hypervigilance. In reality, I have difficulty just leaving my house for more than 2 hours a day. Even in my house I have to go to an area where I can limit light, noise, and other outside stimuli. In addition, my daily reading, which is creating for me a greater and more conscious, evolutionary, integral and spiritual worldview, is often too overstimulating for me. I have to manage the reading in small amounts and then do some form of physical movement to release hypervigilance after a short period of reading. Sometimes I need to do movement as I am reading to manage the hypervigilance. I still have not worked out a system for accommodating for the anxiety/hypervigilance, fogginess, and memory problems that come when I am learning and changing my understanding and place in the world and universe. Both developing an evolutionary and conscious worldview as well as a spirituality of interconnectedness to “all that is” are uniting me with my passion, my nature. All of this is both an exciting and debilitating process, hence, the profound sadness.

One thought on “So Alive Yet So Challenged

  1. gentlekindness

    I am sorry for your sadness. Sometimes I think that intelligence can work against us. Most of the people I know with depression and PTSD are above average intelligence.

    It is hard to stop your brain from overthinking and creating realities and predictions about the future, based on intellectual and creative information that our brain has access to.

    There is sadness and we grieve for innocence that cannot be gotten back. It is healthy to grieve, if we do not get stuck there.

    It sounds like you are developing and working tactics that are useful to dealing with being attacked by your own brain.

    Hang in there. You are unique and special.
    Much love,
    Annie

    Reply

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