Last week in my blog I talked about whether I could ever wrap my mind around me being good enough. First, I think it is a daily decision for me to stand strong in the truth that I am good enough. It is a daily decision for me to choose to see and be grateful for how brilliantly my creative self-organizing systems – heart, mind, body, womb, intuition, brain, and gut intelligences – worked together over my lifespan to ensure my survival. They just developed differently than the norm, gave me different needs than the norm, and ensured that I would have to live differently than the norm. They have been brilliantly leading me back to my true self over the years – a self that was overshadowed by the distress/trauma that began in utero. These systems have taught me specifically over the last 10 years how to live gently, compassionately and reverently with my severe PTSD. They have taught me to see the beauty, goodness and brilliance in the way I developed. They have led me to my greater purpose – loving and befriending all of me (including my anger and murderous rage), loving another person into their greatness and living interconnected with all of life.
The way I developed is brilliant and good enough. In fact for the first time in 10 years, I did not talk to my therapist for 5 weeks due to medical issues. I could not have handled it if I was not at this place. There is a new vitality I feel inside from truly coming home to myself and being embedded in the truth that the way I am in the world is good, wholesome, and fully alive. The way I am in the world now brings me an aliveness, a vitality, a joy, and an openness to the adventure of life while also embracing the pain of my PTSD, which still brings terror into my life. My openness, pain and terror continue to teach me to become more alive and more purposeful. This is giving me a life well-lived – a life of joy and pain. My life just looks differently than the norm. Norms are simply set up by society to put order into the chaos, confusions, and unknowns of the human experience.
I am reading Nourishing Wisdom: A Mind Body Approach to Nutrition and Well Being by Marc David (2011). A question he asks on p. 90 is “How would your life change if you believed that your body and mind were fine as they are, that nothing was wrong with you? Is this condition possible? Do you want it to be possible?”
I will need to reflect on this a while. Can I ever wrap my mind around the fact that I am good enough as I am? Can I manage the stress of not knowing the answer to these questions right now?
I would be interested in hearing your thoughts about these questions.
(Note: I think it would be helpful to read the articles from 2011 writings listed under the Further Reflection section of this website especially PTSD and Traumatic Thinking before reading this blog. My current blogging is a result of going through a ten year process of darkness and transformation. The 2011 writings will give you a sense of the depth of my darkness.)
I have always wanted to do great and noble things. Some of this is because I felt I needed to prove my worthiness to exist and some because I believe in service to others. Over the last 10 years I have had to alter my view of greatness due to my severe PTSD. Today, I see my greatness in three distinct areas – loving self, loving another into their greatness and being an interrelated part of the universe. In these ways I am living a life well-lived. Continue reading
After a decade long journey through the darkness, I have developed a moral compass to guide my unfolding and evolving leading to my transformation. This moral compass or guiding life question can help elevate the strain and stress of living with the chaos and messiness of the human experience as well as the chaos and stress of living with permanent physical, mental and energetic health challenges. My guiding question is as follows:
How does what I am doing at this moment align with my true nature’s commitment to live and grow in my ability to live a more sustainable, socially just, peaceable and meaningful life while optimizing my physical, mental, and energetic well being?
This is the question I read every morning when I get up and at different intervals during the day. It is the question that spurs my reflection at the end of each day. It supports me and assures me that I am living a life well lived despite some of the challenges I face on a daily basis. It is where I find some daily inner peace while living in pain and distress. Without some sense of inner peace, I would not be able to be about any outer peace. It begins at home and in how I choose to live out my daily lived experience regardless of the challenges I face each day with my anxiety and PTSD. It does not eradicate my constant companion – hypervigilance – but helps me to live a purposeful driven life.