Last week in my blog I talked about whether I could ever wrap my mind around me being good enough. First, I think it is a daily decision for me to stand strong in the truth that I am good enough. It is a daily decision for me to choose to see and be grateful for how brilliantly my creative self-organizing systems – heart, mind, body, womb, intuition, brain, and gut intelligences – worked together over my lifespan to ensure my survival. They just developed differently than the norm, gave me different needs than the norm, and ensured that I would have to live differently than the norm. They have been brilliantly leading me back to my true self over the years – a self that was overshadowed by the distress/trauma that began in utero. These systems have taught me specifically over the last 10 years how to live gently, compassionately and reverently with my severe PTSD. They have taught me to see the beauty, goodness and brilliance in the way I developed. They have led me to my greater purpose – loving and befriending all of me (including my anger and murderous rage), loving another person into their greatness and living interconnected with all of life.
The way I developed is brilliant and good enough. In fact for the first time in 10 years, I did not talk to my therapist for 5 weeks due to medical issues. I could not have handled it if I was not at this place. There is a new vitality I feel inside from truly coming home to myself and being embedded in the truth that the way I am in the world is good, wholesome, and fully alive. The way I am in the world now brings me an aliveness, a vitality, a joy, and an openness to the adventure of life while also embracing the pain of my PTSD, which still brings terror into my life. My openness, pain and terror continue to teach me to become more alive and more purposeful. This is giving me a life well-lived – a life of joy and pain. My life just looks differently than the norm. Norms are simply set up by society to put order into the chaos, confusions, and unknowns of the human experience.