My therapist was on medical leave for 5 weeks. This period of separation brought to me many life lessons and experiences. The biggest lessons were touching into my deepest and primal hungers, longings and fears and to experience the ache of these emotions deep in the core of my being.
One hunger and longing I realized was that I crave more being, more knowing, more evolving, and more aliveness. With this hunger comes this sense of being unfinished, incomplete and wanting more. However, at the same time, I hunger and long for completeness, for certainty of knowing, and for absolutes. Today, I can embrace the ache, passion and conflict of my wanting completeness yet at the same time being committed to evolving and becoming more. This is another example of how the last decade has helped me to become more fully human, fully alive.
A second lesson I touched into was my hunger and longing for connection and intimacy. Continue reading
Recently, I heard a short clip by Barbara Marx Hubbard (www.cocreatorcourse.com) and she talked about a phase in a women’s journey when she enters “regenopause”. This is the time when all her eggs are gone and she herself becomes the egg. The woman comes into a phase where she trusts her own intuition and gives birth to her most authentic self, her essence. She sees this period of a women’s life as a time in which she is able to explore, develop and give her most creative love and energy to the world despite the unknowns and challenges the world and she are facing on a daily basis. This woman, Barbara Marx Hubbard says, is able to see these unknowns and the individual and global challenges she/we are facing as “evolutionary drivers” that are bringing her and the world into a new place.
I am crying tears on the inside as I write this blog today – tears of joy and sadness. Continue reading
I have so many racing thoughts – a gift and burden of my beautiful mind. I am in such a state of exploration and I have such a new sense of being a critical and enquiring spirit for the first time in my life. I am thrilled that I have become free enough to embrace adult curiosity. I really could never participate in these types of enquiry and exploration in the past because neither my internal world nor my external world felt safe or actually was safe. It is after experiencing 16 years of a safe home life and 10 years of learning to feel safe with my own internal world that I have been able to experience the gift of being curious that allows me to explore and enquire about life in general.
First, I am starting to feel safe enough to explore living through the senses. Continue reading
My suffering this past week, from my anxiety and ever present sense of terror, was intense and made daily self-care daunting. However at the same time I was feeling such intense suffering, I also had the ability to hold on to the fact that I had such a wonderful, loving relationship with my husband. I could hold on to the fact that I was both connected to and intimate with my husband and connected to my therapist. This gave me such an experience of bliss in the midst of my suffering. However, it did not erase my regular thoughts of how much pain and suffering can one endure. I thought it was a shameful thing to have this kind of distress, pain and suffering. I had feelings that I was doing something wrong because I was in such pain. I thought that I was wrong because I live with pain and suffering. I wondered what was wrong with me that I could not just choose happiness. I thought about how everyone including me has been trying to help fix my pain but was not happening so I wondered if I had failed me/them in some way. I questioned, “Is it a failure to live with pain and suffering?”
Then my thinking started to shift. Continue reading