I have so many racing thoughts – a gift and burden of my beautiful mind. I am in such a state of exploration and I have such a new sense of being a critical and enquiring spirit for the first time in my life. I am thrilled that I have become free enough to embrace adult curiosity. I really could never participate in these types of enquiry and exploration in the past because neither my internal world nor my external world felt safe or actually was safe. It is after experiencing 16 years of a safe home life and 10 years of learning to feel safe with my own internal world that I have been able to experience the gift of being curious that allows me to explore and enquire about life in general.
First, I am starting to feel safe enough to explore living through the senses. This is helping me to move away from using constant dissociation as a way to manage my distressing anxiety. I have learned that I need to focus on experiencing through one sense at a time because experiencing too much at once overstimulates me and I become more dissociative. I consider this, a focus on one sense experience, a form of meditation for me.
In addition, I am learning to explore foods. I am trying food and spices I always shied away from before. I am learning what I really do like and do not like. I just realized at the age of 55 that I like cream in my decaffeinated coffee more than skim milk. I just learned that I like tuna especially when it is blackened. I have just started using spices in my foods because I am safe to feel my arousal of my taste buds, tongue and mouth. It is like these whole new possibilities about life are opening up. It is an exciting time for me to feel like I am just becoming authentically alive for the first time in my life. I know that this is because I have a sense of safety with myself and my external world I never had before.
Finally, I am embracing reading as a way of healing and enquiring. When I say healing, I do not mean that I expect my severe PTSD to go away anymore. I am so grateful I am freed from that expectation. I mean healing as a way for me to continue to develop my sense of personhood and to come to understand the world and my place in it which includes living more fully human, fully alive with my severe PTSD.
However, at the same time, the terror I have from the chaos of exploring, enquiry and curiosity are causing my PTSD to be more heightened making daily self-care challenging. To manage this to the best of my ability, I have recommitted myself to the fact that using my daily routines for managing my anxiety has become more important than ever. Again, I am so grateful that I can hold feeling so alive for the first time in my life along with the intense anxiety that these feelings elicit. Even though I am away from my home sanctuary this weekend, I work hard to maintain as many of my daily routines as I can manage.
My writing of this weekly blog has been a liberating experience and has freed me in many ways. It has helped me to put into words the things I am learning from my self-organizing system – my heart, mind, body, womb, gut, intuition and brain intelligences. It is helping me to see that this brilliant self-organizing system is always in a process of evolving. It is helping me to document and minimize the chaos of my growth and development, thereby, helping me to manage the stress and anxiety of my PTSD. Therefore, I write these blogs for the freedom and continuing liberation of my own self-organizing system.