My therapist was on medical leave for 5 weeks. This period of separation brought to me many life lessons and experiences. The biggest lessons were touching into my deepest and primal hungers, longings and fears and to experience the ache of these emotions deep in the core of my being.
One hunger and longing I realized was that I crave more being, more knowing, more evolving, and more aliveness. With this hunger comes this sense of being unfinished, incomplete and wanting more. However, at the same time, I hunger and long for completeness, for certainty of knowing, and for absolutes. Today, I can embrace the ache, passion and conflict of my wanting completeness yet at the same time being committed to evolving and becoming more. This is another example of how the last decade has helped me to become more fully human, fully alive.
A second lesson I touched into was my hunger and longing for connection and intimacy. This has been a lifelong desire. I felt the joy of finally being known and connected to both my therapist and husband. I realized that these two relationships have brought about my tremendous growth and aliveness in the last 10 years with my therapist and the last 17 years with my husband. I want more intimacy in which to grow and become. Again comes my need for more. I want more intimacy yet at the same time I realize I need to have a somewhat solitary life for managing my PTSD. My online communities I have developed over the last year or so are certainly spurring my growth and bringing me more aliveness, more connection. This is how I have learned to create community with the sole purpose of becoming more since I find it difficult to be outside the basement of my home. This helps fulfill my deep need for connection, intimacy and therefore growth.
Finally, the last lesson I got from the experience of being separated from my therapist was my fear and terror of separation and death now that I am finally connected, bonded and known by others. Reality is one day my relationship with my therapist will end. I will feel the tremendous loss of no longer being able to be with someone as you get in touch with and express your most authentic self. The harsh reality is that one day my husband or I will die and forever be separated. When this thought happens I anticipate the grief and pain this separation from my husband will bring into my life. My deepest hope is that I will die first so I will not have to endure such pain. At the same time, I realize I have been in terrible pain and suffering for most of my life from my inability to bond, connect and let myself be known by another person. Today, I choose freely every day to be bonded and connected, fully accepting that separation and death are an inevitable part of this experience. This sense of being known has brought me my greatest joy and will bring me my greatest pain at some point in my life. I accept this as part of my life process for I have experienced the tremendous suffering of knowing what it is like to be alone in a crowded world.
Although getting in touch with these deepest hungers, longings and fears was somewhat unsettling while my therapist was away, today I can live with the power surging within me from being in touch with them deep in my core. Knowing and touching into the energy of these primal emotions brings me fullness of life while also giving me an increase in my anxiety and PTSD. It is my daily choice to embrace both the bliss and suffering of touching into my deep hungers, longings and fears. I am grateful I am doing that in a sober fashion today, and for the last two years.