I am still feeling the effects of my therapist being on medical leave for 5 weeks. Again, it got me so in touch with my primal hungers and longings. Today, I felt my deep hunger to be of service and to effect change at a more global level. Really I connected to my deep desire to be on the front line of addressing injustices especially for the poor and vulnerable. It is part of my deepest need. It carries with it so much power of desire. I really want to do grander things than I am capable of right now. I want to develop to my fullest human capacity while having an impact on the world. I have such an innate capacity and desire to be more about love and caring. I want to live a life that develops my capacity to be about greater radical empathy. My struggle with my mental and physical health has certainly given me a greater sense of radical empathy. For that I am grateful.
So I have to ask myself many questions around this deep hunger and longing. Is my need to do grander things because I am fulfilling my primal need to have my life live on in what I do or did? Is it connected to Freud’s belief that we have this primal need to reproduce – to pass on our genes? I don’t have children so this primal need will not be fulfilled. Am I trying to compensate for this need? Furthermore, I wonder if I am afraid that my death will mean my complete annihilation or am I just a normal human being who just is terrified of dying?
Is my need to be of service part of my need to be on higher moral ground so I will eradicate the shame that I have struggled with my whole life due to trauma? Is it connected to the deep feeling of not being enough?
Is it about my desire to create a more utopian world so people will be able to reach their human capacity? There is no way people can reach their fullest potential without having a sense of safety. It is a basic need to any possible growth and potential. Is my need to create safety because I longed for a sense of safety for 40 years?
I have severe PTSD, therefore, I live in a state of urgency. Is my need to be on the front lines of injustice really about my need to live in a constant state of urgency to normalize myself?
I think there is a little bit of truth in all of these questions for me. My motives are very complex and diverse but they are very real. Reality is that basic self care is a challenge for me so it is not possible for me to fulfill these deep hungers and longings. The great thing is that I am able to hold the power and energy that comes when I can connect and articulate my deepest desires, yet they also stimulate my hyperarousal. Again, it is part of living with the bliss and suffering that can come from fully living while managing severe PTSD.
Whatever my motives are the bottom line is I want to have a deeper impact on the world. It is part of my essential self. Will what I am doing now with my blog and my online communities be enough to pacify this deep need? I do have hope for increasing my fullest human capacity and impacting the world in grander ways. Does this hope cause me more suffering? Should I just be happy with the life I am living in the present moment? I think personally for me I need to have a sense of hope for more. Again, it is part of my essence, my truest nature. I do think my hopes cause me greater suffering but they also bring me bliss. I am so grateful I can hold both the bliss and suffering.