I have had panic and terror attacks most of my life. When I am in an acute attack, my natural physiological response is to clutch my chest because I feel like an elephant is sitting on top of it which makes breathing a difficult task. Also, I feel a gripping tightness around my heart. I naturally find myself clutching because I have a fear that my heart will stop. At first, my natural physiological reaction to the panic and terror attacks the last few weeks appeared no different. However, what I noticed on this vacation and the two weeks that followed is that my initial clutching turned into a gentle touch full of warmth and healing for my distress. As I touched my chest and my heart I was able to see that I have become a non-judgmental observer and healer of my own natural physiological response to panic and terror. I felt this warmth and love pour through my own hands. Also, my observation and touching helped me to breathe more easily and more gently. I was thrilled to be able to hold both my panic and terror and also feel deep love, warmth, compassion and empathy at the same time. It is really true that with the right supports and tools you can learn how to transform and heal from within. This is how I see my recovery, resiliency and inner power at this time in my life.
Today, I really understand that an inner healer lies within each of us. I am so grateful I have had the opportunity to survive through the darkest journey and to end up finding my own inner healer in my own brilliant self-organizing system (heart, mind, brain, body, gut, womb, and intuitive intelligences). Even though I have been suffering terribly the last few weeks, I have clearly learned to see that I can trust that my self-organizing system will create some bliss, compassion, empathy, gentleness, warmth and even a little humor for me in the midst of my acute pain. This would not be possible if I did not utilize all my support systems and tools. I am so glad I can hold on to the belief that I am worthy and deserving of goodness and that I have the power to create it even in the midst of terrible pain. Because I am able to feel these benefits, I find that even during the intense suffering I can share the bliss, compassion, gentleness, warmth and humor with others.