This has been a growth-filled week for me. After reading a woman’s blog one morning, I got in touch with huge sadness. After spending time with the sadness, I realized that underneath the sadness are these intense, powerful emotions of murderous rage, anger, and hate. Murderous rage, anger and hatred for how victimized I was by people more powerful than me and how this developed into this sense of helplessness because I was unable to keep myself safe. I thought I had let go of my anger years ago but it still dwells deep within. I believe trying to deny and suppress these emotions truly underlies some of my chronic fatigue and chronic pain. Furthermore, I get frightened by the power of these emotions. This triggers my sense of feeling unsafe with my own intensity and internal power. Also, having these deep emotions challenges my image of being a “good person or moral person,” a perspective entrenched in me by organized religion. In addition, in many books and articles I have read, the authors refer to these emotions as “negative, the shadow side or the dark emotions.” In the many circles I have traveled in the last 10 years, I have heard that we can only be healed if we let go of this murderous rage, anger and hate. However, I do not agree with this idea. Instead, today I am learning to feel the pleasure of feeling so fully human and fully alive with ALL of my emotions.
I will probably always have this murderous rage, anger and hate at injustices and the misuse of power. Actually, I hope I always will. The bigger question is, “Can I fall in love with the murderous rage, anger and hate as much as I do with love, joy, happiness and sadness?” To feel the power and intensity of all my emotions is to feel the fullness of my humanity. If one believes in divinity, one could say that my divinity lies in my ability to be loving, compassionate and empathetic; however, it also lies in my murderous rage, anger and hate. I do not consider this part of my shadow side or the dark side of my humanity. I see it as part of my fullness and powerful depth. Today, I can say that I have fallen in love with all these parts of my personality, nature and essence. Furthermore, I have fallen in love with my desire to choose to express my emotions including murderous rage, anger, and hate through my work of trying to create a world that works for all beings. Because of the challenges I face each day, I hope that my blog will serve this purpose in the years to come.
Finally, by embracing the fullness of my entire emotional world, I get to experience the richness and the complexity of life on a daily basis. For once I accept that, I can claim every day that I am fully human, fully alive and again, one could say fully divine.
(c) 2014 Janet Cate All rights reserved.