I feel I will always be affected by trauma. Deepak Chopra mentions in his book, Super Brain, that trauma stays with you. I fully agree. My reality is that there is a piece of me that will always be a victim to trauma. I get angry when people say do not be a victim. I want to tell them to stand in my shoes and then tell me I am not a victim. I wonder if they really know how much I suffer each day. However, where I am no longer a victim is in finding and embracing my own sense of personal power, in taking full responsibility for my own personal transformation and growth, taking responsibility to create the life I want and need and finally, living to my fullest potential.
I feel connected to my power and passion again after a difficult month recovering from my trip out west. I feel the bliss of my plan and I understand the smaller steps I need to break it down so I can manage the hypervigilance of my excitement. I am really going to focus on two areas for my reading – science, spirituality and consciousness as well as early and long term trauma. This is what will lead me to find my fullest potential while managing the challenges of PTSD. This helps me to not feel like a victim all the time. Reality is that I have to live with the effects of early and long term trauma every day. I cannot control the hypervigilance that accompanies every emotional state. Not being able to regulate my various emotional states whether it is intense anger or blissful excitement has nothing to do with maturity or immaturity. It has to do with the interplay of my amygdala, my hippocampus and my prefrontal cortex. This is how my brain and body work together causing a somewhat chronic state of hypervigilance, mental confusion and memory loss, chronic fatigue and chronic pain.
My personal transformation and growth is what gets me out of bed every morning. It is what pushes me forward and helps me to bear the suffering of severe PTSD every day. It is what brings me bliss and empowerment. It is what helps me to say yes to my continued living every day. I do need to choose that every day. PTSD may not be a terminal illness but it takes a lot of energy each day to negotiate the suffering of severe PTSD. This is what makes me so fatigued each day – the mental and physical energy that goes into managing the severity of symptoms from PTSD. My fatigue is not a result of depression. It is a definite physical issue. What keeps me going is that I know bliss and empowerment while suffering. What keeps me going is that I have found a way to make meaning and purpose in my life. I do not see PTSD as a mental illness. I am a brilliant self-organizing system. My heart, brain, body, mind, womb, gut and intuitive intelligences have led me to this place of personal empowerment while still suffering. However, I do acknowledge that PTSD is a physical illness that has implications of how your brain processes emotions, stimuli and energy as well as how your brain impacts your physiology.
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