This past Wednesday was the 10th anniversary of my entering into a therapeutic relationship with Lisa. Back then, I chose to do that because I had come to a place where I was physically, mentally and emotionally broken. In the 10 years since, I have pursued every strategy I believed research had shown to alleviate PTSD. I fought and fought to get back to the successful professional life I knew and loved. Reality is that simple daily self care is a daunting task which brings me to the painful realization that I may never get back to the work I loved. However, today I feel I am entering a very new place with living fully with Severe, Complex PTSD while still experiencing the tremendous grief and loss of my professional life.
Today, I can proclaim that I am not broken. Actually I am very far from it. I can honestly claim that my self-organizing system (heart, mind, brain, body, intuition, gut and womb intelligences) are brilliant and magnificent. How they interact with each other is not the problem. These intelligences have brought me to this place where I have learned how to care for my essence; PTSD is a significant part of that essence. In addition, these intelligences have brought me into a process of learning to daily choose and commit to loving and accepting the fullness of my essence. Furthermore, they have taught me how to accept and find richness in how I need to live to care for my whole self.
My self-organizing system only becomes the problem when I compare and contrast myself to others. In addition, this system becomes a problem when I compare and contrast who I am today with who I was and how I was living in the past when I had a professional life. Furthermore, they only become a problem when I fight, resist, and reject who I am and how I need to live today, including all my daily physical and mental challenges.
On this anniversary I have decided to daily commit my entire being to the following acts: 1) to not compare myself to anyone else, 2) to see the brilliance and magnificence of myself in the present, 3) to remind myself that I am not broken, 4) to give up fighting and resisting who I am in the present, 5) to commit myself to loving and accepting who I am and how I am at any given moment throughout my day, and finally 6) to acknowledge that my challenges and limits from my PTSD are bringing me into a deeper relationship with life. The more I learn to daily commit to the above acts, the more I am learning to relax into the pain and suffering as well as the bliss and freedom that are in my life today. From there, I am learning that I am able to be more peaceful, more grounded and more centered. It is from here that I can live an extraordinary life.
By continually growing in my ability to live in peace and harmony with all that is within me, I am spreading peace and harmony to the world and universe. It is my gift to the cultural evolution of the world and universe. This is another one of my new purposes. This is my way of still contributing to the common good and to being a productive member of society. Furthermore, I want to contribute to the cultural evolution of the world by sharing my vulnerabilities, my humanness and my process of human development through the writing of this weekly blog.
I am always wary of my writing because what I think one week may be different the next because of the evolving and developing that I seriously undertake each day. I see it as my life’s work. I feel so fully human, so fully alive. I am living the purpose of life – to be constantly evolving into your greatness. There is no greater gift to receive in a lifetime.
©2014 Janet Cate All rights reserved.