Monthly Archives: December 2014

Meditation or Frustration?

At my first stint at an outpatient treatment program in 2006, they discussed how meditation was a tool for dealing with PTSD. It was a part of our everyday program. I was a miserable failure at this. I had difficulty closing my eyes with other people in the room. I was at high alert so I could not close my eyes. If by chance I was able to shut them for a short period of time, I would find myself totally separating from my body. I already had dissociation down to an art form and did not want to improve in that area. Continue reading

I Will Never Be “Cured”

I know there is no magic wand to fix severe, complex, chronic PTSD. What I have found to help me thrive I call strategies for PTSD. One of my strategies I use to manage my distress is what I now call “Movement.” I use to call it exercise but I was obsessed with that because it was the only way I could combat the weight I was gaining on the medications that I truly need to help manage the basics of daily living. I have struggled with my body image my whole life, beginning with being called “pork chop” as a child even though I was an average weight.

I began therapy in November, 2004. At that time I was working full time and doing a regular exercise program not because I thought it was good for my body but I was afraid that I would put on more weight as I aged. Continue reading

Owning My Past Energetic Wounds

I have recognized that my body holds my past energetic wounds deep inside my tissues, and I am working on letting the energy flow daily. I just spent an hour re-listening to Panache Desai’s first seminar in his Energy Immersion Program called Vibrational Attunement. In this seminar, he focuses on leaving your hands open to receive energy that will break up the energetic density (past wounds) stored within our energy centers in our bodies. I realized last week that underneath all the anger and murderous rage embedded in my cellular body is deep shame for feeling weak and vulnerable. Continue reading

The Body Holds It All

As I said last week, I would use my blogs over the next months to share the tools I use and how they have evolved over the last 10 years. I still plan on doing that. However, this has been a very growth filled week for me. This past month I signed up to be part of an Energy Immersion Program with Panache Desai ( and I started some body work called Rolfing. I did not know why I was choosing to do this as part of my transformation process and recovery but my self-organizing system gave me the insight that these two programs were the next steps of my healing. Continue reading