As I said last week, I would use my blogs over the next months to share the tools I use and how they have evolved over the last 10 years. I still plan on doing that. However, this has been a very growth filled week for me. This past month I signed up to be part of an Energy Immersion Program with Panache Desai (PanacheDesai.com) and I started some body work called Rolfing. I did not know why I was choosing to do this as part of my transformation process and recovery but my self-organizing system gave me the insight that these two programs were the next steps of my healing.
The Energy Immersion Program is a 21 day intensive program with a goal of releasing energetic density within your body, meaning releasing blocked emotions and energy. I was quite skeptical of all this but I have learned to trust my inner voice and wisdom. Each day there is a morning movement component to this program as well as a 21 minute meditation piece. Panache Desai also leads several 90 minute Question and Answers sessions, frequency fixes and energetic expansion sessions where we meditate as a group. I fully committed myself to the program. The first 1½ weeks I felt nothing but boy did things start to open up this past week. I think this program combined with my Rolfing sessions are creating quite a release of my stuffed and contained emotions and energy specifically around the feelings of anger, hate and murderous rage which I know I have intellectually but as Bessell Van der Kolk states, “The Body Keeps the Score.”
I have spent the last 55 years struggling to contain this energy from being released. I have constricted and dissociated from it my entire life. Now I am feeling the power of these emotions and energy and I need to somehow express it so it can come out of the cells that have kept it contained my whole life. I never expressed my rage at the abuse because I was trying to be a good girl and woman. I was also terrified of it. Now, I have to express it through some physical way. I really don’t know how to do it. I just know that it is time to do it. If anyone has any idea of healthy ways to express embodied rage, please feel free to share it.
My murderous rage, anger and hate are getting expressed in my dreams and in my talking therapy. I have not been able to cry for years. This Thursday, I sobbed for an entire 45 minutes. I felt such a huge release in my body. Since then I have discovered that underneath this murderous rage is the deep grief and sadness over the helplessness I felt since I could not stop the abuse no matter how hard I tried to keep everyone happy. Keeping all these emotions contained in my body is really what some of my chronic fatigue is about. I say some because I think chronic fatigue is also the result of living with early and long term trauma. Keeping all this anger, rage and grief in my body contributes to sapping some of my physical vitality. Can I let my physical vitality come alive? I definitely have vitality of mind and spirit. Can I give my body room to breathe even though it contains such emotions as anger, murderous rage and helplessness? I feel strongly that it is time for me to become embodied and to continue to live more vibrantly. PTSD causes me to be frightened by any physical arousal no matter what emotion and energy I am feeling. It causes me to be at high alert so I have spent my life separated from my body and its vitality. I have been in physical pain since birth because of trauma. It is time to release the pain energetically and physically. It is time for me to feel the gift of physical vitality and health. I am deserving and worthy of it.
Again, if you have any ideas about releasing buried anger, rage and hate in a healthy way physically or emotionally, please send along your ideas. I do have a punching bag so maybe that is a start. Martial arts may be a good forum for it. It is something I would like to start in the New Year. Maybe just observing in the stillness and then releasing the embodied energy of my anger, murderous rage and hate out into the universe is my best way of healing. I will do that in both my Energy Immersion Program and at my next Rolfing session.