I am exploring a new way of thinking and being which contrasts strongly with my past history of dealing with my three biggest challenges which are my severe PTSD, chronic fatigue and chronic pain. Rather than feeling anger, frustration, and self- hatred, I am now claiming them as part of my perfect design, my true essence, instead of seeing them as a sickness, illness, or defective part of my brain and body. Continue reading
I had my meeting with my therapist Lisa today. I shared with her my deep need and desire to be an activist again. I shared that I have this deep yearning to work to create a more just, peaceful and kinder world. I want to do it in a big way. I want to recapture those same feelings I had when I worked to improve educational opportunities for urban youth for 25 years. I want that power, freedom and vitality I felt from living my purpose, my vocation. I want that feeling that my life mattered and that I was having an impact on the lives of children. I desperately want that again in my life. It comes from a deep ache inside of me. Sure there are many motives for this deep yearning. Continue reading
As many of my blogs have suggested, I have struggled with finding my purpose and meaning while living with PTSD. So this week I have spent the time reflecting on why I need to have purpose and meaning. The only time life made sense to me was when I was teaching in the inner city. It was a time when I found I had great strengths in my ability to love, to be compassionate and empathetic. Furthermore, it taught me about people who hold power and the powerless. It ignited in me a strong passion for social justice. For me, these were values of my more authentic self. As I looked back at this week, I realized that this work also filled an existential emptiness in me that went so deep. It gave me reason for my ability to exist. It made me feel that I am enough and worthy. This is the reason that I grieve so deeply over my inability to be about this work.
In addition, finding my purpose and meaning at the age of 21 provided me with a freedom I had never felt before. It gave me a break from the internal war I was always in because I was about something bigger than myself. It gave me relief from searching for “happiness”. Continue reading
One of the gifts of the workshop I went to a few weeks ago was that I connected to my inner wisdom and clearly felt this strong yearning to embrace stillness. I have tried quiet meditation for years but my hypervigilance and racing thoughts made it impossible to embrace stillness. However, this last week I have been able to really enter into the quiet. Continue reading