I had my meeting with my therapist Lisa today. I shared with her my deep need and desire to be an activist again. I shared that I have this deep yearning to work to create a more just, peaceful and kinder world. I want to do it in a big way. I want to recapture those same feelings I had when I worked to improve educational opportunities for urban youth for 25 years. I want that power, freedom and vitality I felt from living my purpose, my vocation. I want that feeling that my life mattered and that I was having an impact on the lives of children. I desperately want that again in my life. It comes from a deep ache inside of me. Sure there are many motives for this deep yearning. First, it covers up the nagging feeling of inadequacy I had through my younger years. Furthermore, it gives me a sense of power since I spent most of my life feeling powerless of the many people who abused me. In addition, I think there may be some grandiosity involved but there is also inside of me this deep capacity for love, empathy and compassion. Deep in my soul there is a need to address injustices and I feel compelled to build a more loving, compassion, empathetic and just world.
I just listened to this summit called Rising Women, Rising World sponsored by the Shift Network. It connected me to my deepest passion and longing to be an activist again. It brought me back to such a feeling of vitality. However, it also put me back into the depth of despair for a while because of the reality of living with severe PTSD and the challenges I face on a daily basis. I get overwhelmed from being outside my home. I am on the internet through blogging and trying to have a positive impact on the world through reading and commenting on other people’s blogs but even just that can be overwhelming. I can only work on it in the early morning hours because this is my best time to focus. I also realize there are days when I cannot do it because of my mental fogginess.
I do have this morning statement that I reflect on each day, I have done and I am doing enough to impact the world in a positive way. However, deep down inside it is not enough for me. I am beginning to realize that this may be my best given my disability. I do not know what the future will hold or how I will evolve but this deep yearning to have a larger more positive impact again in the world may never be fulfilled. The despair I felt this past week is really the deep grief I feel as well as the anger and rage at how deeply significant trauma can impact your life and prevent you from living what you feel compelled to do.
Also, these last few weeks have been a challenge with my chronic fatigue and incredible body pain. All reminders that I cannot do what I feel compelled to do. This only added to my despair, grief and frustration.
The great part about all of this is that I can really identify and accept my feelings, conflicting motives and my deep yearnings. Furthermore, I am thrilled that I can locate where I feel them in my body. This is great growth for me since I spent most of my life not feeling and dissociated from my body. So while experiencing the deep despair, grief and frustration, I have also felt the bliss of feeling a sense of being alive and at home with myself. The beauty of it all is that I can hold all of it with the help of my husband, therapist, my blog and two friendships I am in the process of developing.
I am okay and I know that I have the courage to walk through the unknowns of my future evolving.