Breakdown and/or Breakthrough

Ervin Laszlo wrote in his book, Chaos Point 2012 and Beyond, “A chaos point is the crucial tipping point in the evolution of a system in which trends that have brought the system to its present state break down and it can no longer return to its prior states and modes of behavior: it is launched irreversibly on a new trajectory that leads either to breakdown or to breakthrough to a new structure and a new mode of operation.”

This is the story of my life. I have always had signs of PTSD, chronic fatigue and chronic pain as far back as I can remember. However, I ignored it all and just drove myself to live the “successful life of the norm” until I no longer could do it physically in 2006 and both mentally and physically in 2008 when I had a complete breakdown. I must have had a premonition of these upcoming difficulties when I sought out my therapist in 2004. It was during these four years (2004 – 2008) that I admitted I needed help, and I had realized that my life had become a journey of chaos, confusion and pain. However, the gift of this 10 year journey through the darkness is that it now has made it obvious to me that I “…no longer can return to my prior state or modes of behavior,” I am gratefully accepting that today.

Through the last 10 years I have been “…launched irreversibly on a new trajectory…” and I believe that I have come to the breakthrough. I have developed new structures and new ways of being in the world. It feels so powerful and blissful to see it so clearly.

Laszlo, E. (2012) The Chaos Point 2012 and Beyond: Appointment with Destiny. Hampton Roads, Charlottesville, VA.

13 thoughts on “Breakdown and/or Breakthrough

  1. betternotbroken

    Thank you for this, I am intrigued with the book and look forward to reading more. You put it so eloquently and succinctly, “my life had become a journey of chaos, confusion and pain.” Me too. I wish you success and leaving what is behind you, behind you.

    Reply
    1. janetcate Post author

      I do this mantra every morning that seems to be helping me. I heal and release my past. It is helping me to leave things behind me. I feel much lighter. I wish the same for you. I have found moments of peace and the chaos and confusion have somewhat subsided but the pain lingers on. I am in an empowering place now. I wish the same for you.

      Reply
      1. betternotbroken

        Thank you for your kind words, I am searching now to reduce the anxiety and discomfort I feel every morning when I wake up. Thank you for your advice on how to be “lighter,” I need it. I wish you peace, healing and light.

  2. themysciranlady

    WOAH. Your breakdown timeline is exactly like mine. It was starting to go downhill in 2006 until 2008 when I had to quit my job and basically be bedridden and then remain housebound.

    Reply
    1. janetcate Post author

      It was really hard for me to leave my job. Working was all I knew. I still find it difficult to leave my home at times but have built a vibrant online community that fosters my growth and development. Hope things are going better for you and that you have found some peace with where you are at now. I have longer and longer moments of peace for where I am at.

      Reply
      1. themysciranlady

        I’m so glad to hear that you’re having longer moments of peace. They’re precious time! The online community was (and still is) my life line, too! I would not have many ANY progress at all if not for my twitter friends. I’m still not working either. I tried going back a few times when I thought I was well enough, but that was before I understood what was really going on with me (mild PTSD and severe anxiety). SO I went back too soon and I almost had a full nervous breakdown. I’m doing really well now, hope it lasts. It helps so much to know I’m not alone.

      2. janetcate Post author

        It really does help to know you are not alone. I struggle with daily activities so I don’t see myself going back to work. I am finding peace with that and finding a way to contribute to the universe in other ways. This is what is bringing me peace.

  3. Cat

    Hi Janet… we have experienced similar. In addition to my MH, about 3 years I go, I was suddenly struck with slipped disc, arthritis and other things that reduced my ability overnight to walking with a stick. It is so very difficult to accept this. It sounds very positive where you are right now, empowering.

    Reply
    1. janetcate Post author

      Thanks for reading my blog and commenting. It means so much. I have to recommit myself to acceptance each day and sometimes many times a day. I am in a very empowering place. I have learned to turn towards my pain and love me and it unconditionally. Didn’t think that you could really ever do that but I know it is possible now.

      Reply
  4. ambivalencegirl

    Oh my goodness yes….I feel as if I always had a little ptsd but then I just brokedown and now I’m crumbling and I can’t get back to being me or file away the memories or feel or think…

    Reply
    1. janetcate Post author

      I can’t get back to the old me either but I am really finding my most authentic self and how to gently and lovingly take care of myself. I am finding my own inner authority. While I can’t file away the memories either I have built a whole new life for myself that I love. I am excited about my lifetime commitment to continuous growth. It took me 10 years of darkness to get here. There is a time when you know you have had a breakthrough while you also have to daily still manage PTSD. I have found that balance.
      I will be thinking of you as you go through your own process of growth while you and your husband deal with his illness.

      Reply
      1. ambivalencegirl

        Thank you for this. For the first time I am almost accepting that I have ptsd…c-ptsd which is so difficult for me to do. I haven’t told anyone except my hubby and I rarely speak to him about it. I don’t know why I have such shame with this dx but I do. I do believe that I will emerge with a kinder, more compassionate self…still me but able to smile, live and not hide from everyone. I’m so happy that you are in a good place.

      2. janetcate Post author

        Some days I find it hard to have PTSD. Actually I struggle every morning. So my acceptance and love for it has to happen every day. Sure I wish I was cured but I have love and safety in my life and that is the greatest gift.
        I am glad you are doing a blog so you can talk about it more freely. Sometimes it is hard to believe that this is what you have. I think it might be because we don’t think we are normal or somehow we have failed. Today, I have embraced that his is my normal and I have creatively created a life with it.

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