I have been up for a couple of hours trying to bring down my hyperarousal through meditation, journaling and medication. It has helped a bit. There is a piece of me that is laughing at how hyperaroused I am in my body while at the same time there is a part of me that is frustrated that it is happening. Regardless, I have never been in such a beautiful place in my life. I have never felt so alive and I believe that life holds many exciting possibilities for me in the future. I have found a community of people committed to common goals of becoming a more consciously evolved universal humanity. It connects to a deep passion in my soul. It is my life purpose. So I am more free than I have ever been before. However, my hippocampus sees this arousal as a danger and floods my system with stress hormones bringing me to a place where I used to shut down and separate. But now I consult my daily list of goals to see what I am going to do next. It is at times like this that my living mindfully really helps.
I am full of gratitude that I have developed a set of new structures that I can call upon when my body and brain are at such high alert. These structures lessen the pain and confusion. They bring me pleasure and success. These are two very important things to have in my life. The best new structure I have recently put into my life is I now can look at my pain, shed light on it and love myself and the pain unconditionally. As I bring my attention toward it, I observe what is happening in my body, I try to lovingly embrace it and gently and compassionately wait until it passes. I can honestly say I am healed. I have recovered my most authentic true self and have learned to love myself unconditionally. It leaves me with a feeling of awe and wonder.
I am tired of all the workshops I have attended, the books I have read, the doctors I have consulted while trying to cure and rewire my brain. I SAY ENOUGH! I do wonder if the hippocampus can be rewired after a life time of abuse. I truly believe I have moved on. I have developed a purposeful life and a way for me to contribute to society from the basement of my home. So even though I feel particularly challenged and distressed over these last few days, I still get to embrace the bliss I feel and celebrate that I have the structures to manage the pain in kind, respectful and life-giving ways. I can find peace in fully embracing the bliss and the pain. I feel like a truly blessed woman who is living fully human, fully alive. I am complete.