I Found My Heart Is Still Blocked

This has been a very interesting week. I had this incredible dream where my many self-states were aligned within my internal parent and I had this great sense of personhood. I had never felt so free and so powerful in my life. I was grounded and had such internal protectors. I fully embraced the joy and power of this experience and I committed to living my life from this personhood. This would be my gift to the world. Finally, I thought I would be free from my internal pain but I found my heart was still blocked. So then, after watching a series of seminars this week, I learned that some of my internal pain was pain that belonged to past generations in my family. I took on this generational pain because of my gift of empathy and love for my family. Furthermore, I learned that I was afraid of giving up this ancestral pain because I felt like I was betraying some of my family members and I am not sure who I would be without it.

I told my therapist that I didn’t know what to do with all this insight. She said you don’t need to do anything but just sit with it all. For the past week I have been sitting with all this insight, desperately trying not to feel that I must fix it. I do not want to deny the pain of my mother and grandmother as well as my father and great grandfather nor do I want to take it on anymore. Through the week I have found a way to release some of their pain from my system by working with the heart chakra and other lessons I learned from HeartMath. It is happening in a slow process but it is helping me at the same time to embrace the happiness I have in my life and to let this happiness fully embody my whole being especially within my heart.

I do deserve this happiness and I am worthy of it. I have worked hard over the last 10 years to deal with the pain of my story and to learn ways to be able to flourish with PTSD, chronic pain, chronic fatigue and my highly sensitive nervous system. Today, I want to celebrate the life I have created and enjoy the fullness of my happiness. I want to break the chain of terror that when I find happiness then something bad is going to happen because I only deserve bad things. It’s a very old childhood wound that still rears its head from time to time. My own inner parents are at work soothing and showing my inner child that this belief is no longer serving her. They tell me and her that “She is worthy of happiness and that it is time to embrace the spontaneity, excitement, joy, curiosity and aliveness of the many inner selves.” In essence I am giving my adult self permission to explore those qualities that a “safe” childhood contains.

Today I can say that the past is in the past now. This sense of joy and aliveness is my new present and future. I am going to let my happiness permeate my entire being. It is my birthright.

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