In last week’s blog I wrote “Today I can say that the past is in the past now.” What was I thinking?? I think that I was having a span of time where everything was great and I wanted to stay with and embrace the spontaneity, excitement, joy, curiosity and aliveness that I was feeling during this time. Since then I have returned to the reality that my past will never be in the past. I am the woman I am today because of all the lessons from my past and how I incorporate them into my present. I do truly love the woman I am today.
My PTSD is from my past and I work so hard at managing it every day so I can experience all those emotions I highlighted above. It is my work 24 hours a day. On challenging days, my symptoms bring on feelings of being bone tired and bring up memories that seem to float through my mind and lead to disassociation. These are the more difficult days. So again, what was I thinking? It was the hope and wishful thinking at a particular time when everything seemed to be right with the world. I continue to strive to have more of these blissful days, weeks, and months through embracing my routines as a starting point.