My husband brought three angel pins home the other day, one for each of the miscarriages we had together. It was such a beautiful thought. I have been trying to make peace and to mourn these miscarriages. I never did that when they happened. Yesterday, I held the pins in my hands and began a conversation with them. If I really want to touch into my feminine power I must grieve the loss of our children. I must clear my womb space so it may freely create in new ways. I have so much shame hidden in my uterus about being feminine in the first place. Some of it is historical shame passed down through generations in my own family legacy as well as the history of women in general. Some of it is because of the extent of the sexual abuse and the disowning of my femininity and my feminine body. Some of it is because of my inability to carry a child to full term, even though there is a medical condition that contributed to the miscarriages, I still feel shame.
Therefore I have done several activities this week to connect to the power of my womb to create and to free the shame held there for a lifetime. First, I did this period of visualization. I placed a hot water bottle on my lower belly and imagined a frozen reservoir of water being melted and then flowing freely out from my uterus. Within this water was the shame as well as the stuck energy blocking the freedom of my 2nd chakra. I never really have done visualization before but I got the idea out of the Wild Feminine book by Tami Lynn Kent that I am reading. I intend to continue this practice for a while.
Next, I repeated this mantra several times –“ I see you, I hear you, I honor the feminine within me and the brilliance and creativity of my womb space.” I really never saw myself as free enough or safe enough to be creative, although as I think about it now, my teaching style for 25 years was extremely creative.
What I am finding is that these techniques are incredibly grounding. If I feel hypervigilant or that I am beginning the process of dissociating I place my hand on my lower belly and connect to the power of the feminine. It has been very calming. Focusing on one area of my body has brought into light my whole feminine body which has sparked another ritual I have just taken up. I stand in front of the mirror and say to my whole body that “I see you, I hear you, and I honor you.” I then begin the process of massaging essential oils into my body. I do go for body massage and rolfing but now I want to do self-healing. I want to be the massager of my own body. I want to be the nurturer and caretaker of a body that really was never seen, heard, or honored. For me, being affected by all the experiences of sexual abuse and assault I had completely shut myself off from the needs and desires of my body. Now it is time to reclaim my sensual and sexual body and the beauty of it just the way it is at this moment in time.
I know myself enough that I will want to cure or fix this part of me quickly so I will be released from the burden of the shame that I carry. This time I feel that I need to allow for a longer time to heal, not the quick fix. I am thinking I need to repeat the mantra “I see, hear, and honor the needs of my body.” My body screams for gentle nurturing and that is what I am doing.
This is a major part of me claiming and recovering my feminine power.