It has been so hard to write the last few days. I have been involved with many seminars and I tend to get overwhelmed and my writing shuts down. Over-stimulation can take many forms (even too much light) and it shuts much of me down.
In last week’s blogs I talked about my lack of grieving during my 3 miscarriages. After thinking this week, intellectually and emotionally I think I have processed these losses, however, I never let out the embodied emotions that accompanied these losses. Not only do I have the embodied grief of these miscarriages, I have the grief of not having had my need for safety met in my life until a few years ago. I am grieving the loss of curiosity and spontaneity in life due to lack of feeling safe for all those years. Also, I am grieving the lack of emotional validation in my life and the intense loneliness I felt in a large family and community. There are many other losses as well.
Gratefully, I am able to listen to the wisdom of my body and can find where all this stored grief is located in my body now. My grief is bound up from my lower abdomen to the pelvic bowl (the first three chakras). There is stagnant energy there that is keeping me from accessing my most creative potentials and my womb wisdom. It is time to release this stagnant energy out into the universe and to rediscover once again the root core of my womanhood.
This past week I was listening to an Earth Day Summit sponsored by the Shift Network. I try to listen to as many of these summits as I can manage because I am committed to filling myself up despite the challenges and pain because I Deserve It. It was during this summit that I heard Matthew Fox speak about how a shaman taught him to process embodied grief by playing the drums for 15 minutes a day and letting the sound come from the part of the body where the grief is held. This made complete sense as it could show me the way to free up the stagnant energy so I may have the full access of my creative abilities and vitality. It spoke to my heart and connected with my own inner wisdom. I am in the process of getting a bongo drum and look forward to starting this drumming within the week.
I firmly believe there are ambassadors along our path who share things to enlighten our journey as we evolve and transform into more conscious beings. Matthew Fox was one of those ambassadors for me this past week joining my husband, my therapist, certain authors and online seminars of groups of women. I am so grateful that I am open to all my ambassadors and guides along the way who are helping me to become my most authentic self and to live from my true essence. Not everything I read or listen to speaks to me, but I seem to find the right ambassador at the right time. I heard Matthew Fox at the perfect time for me. Through my blog, I hope that I can become an ambassador for others at the right time for them. I know other bloggers have been an ambassador for me on my path.
I may be defined as having severe PTSD but that does not need to stop me from discovering my most authentic self and to be able to love the authenticity in me which includes PTSD, Chronic Fatigue and Chronic Pain. I am now at this core place a great deal of the time. Most of the time I see the obstacles and challenges I face now as opportunities to support my growth to greater freedom, greater love and greater service as well as the opportunity to live my most authentic life. It is bringing me such joy and bliss amongst the pain.