This week I received an email that discussed the depleting effects of the emotions of anger, rage, jealousy and envy. It talked about our need to rid of ourselves of this energy if we are to find inner peace and vitality. This is so far from the experiences I have had in the last number of years.
What was depleting for me was when I denied and could not give voice to my anger, rage, jealousy, envy and I would say hate. I found holding all these inside me added to my constriction, tightness and my stress response. I found a freedom and peace once I stopped fearing the power of the energy of these emotions and stopped judging them to be good or bad.
Today, I see all of my emotions as a gift and a way of finding inner peace and vitality. Embracing, experiencing, and giving voice to them enhances my life and gives me a sense of fullness and wholeness.
This is truly my journey and my vision of the human experience – fullness and wholeness in order to be our most authentic self in the world. I have come a long way on this lifetime journey to self- actualization. I know and trust that I am moving in the right direction in this lifetime process.
Something happened this week that triggered my deepest terrors so I have been in anguish. This brought me back to the place where I questioned whether I could live with this level of anguish in my life. The accompanying physical challenges – muscle constriction, difficulty breathing, an inability to focus and concentrate, chest pains – were running rampant through me at the same time. Clearly, the idea of suicide came back into my mind. I truly understand why people choose suicide. They are looking for a permanent rest from this type of anguish. I believe and hope that someday IF I make that choice for suicide that the people closest to me will understand that I need permanent rest from this chronic PTSD. I hope it can be done in the most loving and compassionate way for all those involved including me.
After four days of terror and multiple therapy sessions I woke up thinking how can I, with so much love in my life, be thinking that suicide could put an end to my anguish and torment. Then I decided to bring all I was feeling to my morning meditation or my morning of stillness. Continue reading →
The past two days I have been simply listening to the rain and its gentle falling sound. Recently, I am finding myself more and more drawn into deep stillness. I didn’t think that I would ever know this sense of deep stillness within me but I am finding it deeply rooted in the core of my being. The stillness and rootedness are providing a place of comfort and solace when things are challenging. Furthermore, this place of comfort is providing me with a holding place for the depth and intensity of my entire emotional life from deep sadness to rage to complete bliss and joy. I am committing the next period of my life to deep stillness.
It is during this period of stillness that I will contemplate 3 areas that are calling to me at this time. Continue reading →