The past two days I have been simply listening to the rain and its gentle falling sound. Recently, I am finding myself more and more drawn into deep stillness. I didn’t think that I would ever know this sense of deep stillness within me but I am finding it deeply rooted in the core of my being. The stillness and rootedness are providing a place of comfort and solace when things are challenging. Furthermore, this place of comfort is providing me with a holding place for the depth and intensity of my entire emotional life from deep sadness to rage to complete bliss and joy. I am committing the next period of my life to deep stillness.
It is during this period of stillness that I will contemplate 3 areas that are calling to me at this time. First, I plan on growing in my ability to cultivate trust in pleasure and to own that I am worthy of a life of pleasure along with the pain I live with on a daily basis. Next, I will cultivate trust in my own wholeness and my own ability to self-heal. My hard work over the last 11 years has brought me to this place of wholeness and healing. This is different than curing my PTSD, Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. I look forward to daily celebrating my wholeness while also waking up every morning feeling new and open to my daily evolution. Finally, I intend to continue to cultivate a deeper trust in the wisdom of my own body, mind, and spirit. I intend to listen deeply to what it is telling me it needs in order to reach its fullest potential.
For the past 11 years I have spent much time going to doctor after doctor, listening to every expert on the subject of PTSD, Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. I have read tons of self help books, Conscious Evolution and Spirituality books. I have listened to every online summit and class I could find on the internet. I tried every healing modality said to cure PTSD, Chronic Fatigue and Chronic Pain. Now it is time for me to go to this place of deep wisdom that I have found within myself over these many years. It is time for me to fully embrace the challenges and highlights that come together while living with these 3 conditions. To experience both the challenges and highlights means that I am fully human, fully alive and wide awake. I really don’t think there is any greater way of living out life. I feel truly blest and honored to be living with such great vitality even though I have only a few hours each day when I experience physical vitality.
While I am committed to movement, whether on a treadmill, doing Qi Gong or other movements, I am learning that it is okay not to do periods of movement if they will deplete me. Now I tend to break into freestyle dance when my body tells me it needs to have movement throughout my day. This is a much gentler way for me to live fully with my Chronic Fatigue and Chronic Pain.
I have let go of my demand that a cure is the only possible outcome that I want. I have never felt more fully human, fully alive in my entire life. I have never felt more at home with myself nor have I ever experienced the type of love I have in my life today. I have never experienced such personal freedom, rootedness and sense of clarity to my life, its’ purpose and direction. This is my cure. This is the gift of the last 11 years of darkness. Today I can proclaim that I am living the truth of who I am. This gives me a sense of unending bliss.