I had this dream the other night that I was in this brand new gymnasium. I was on the second floor track just overlooking all the activities on the first floor. I moved around freely and was curious to explore and free to inquire about what was happening. Suddenly I noticed that there were these large damaged spots in the ceiling of the auditorium. I asked why they weren’t fixed and they said they tried but were not able to fix them. They were going to leave it the way it was.

This dream really spoke to me. I have created a brand new life for myself over the last 11 years to manage my PTSD, which is my largest damaged spot. Continue reading →

This week is a week of exaltation! There are so many things I have learned in the last few days. These have brought me to this place of developing a morning ritual in which I make a commitment to my own inner and outer marriages.

During this ritual, I light the candle on the statue of a strong woman that I have had since I began my inner journey with my therapist 11 years ago. After the lighting of the candle, I commit myself to the following vows while looking in the mirror: Continue reading →

For the last 7 weeks I have been embroiled in pain throughout my body. I am at the point where I am dependent on my husband and he is required to take on the full responsibility of the home. I struggle with this deeply because I feel I am a burden to him right now. He does not give me this feeling, I just have old ancestral beliefs that exist deep inside of me which I am always trying to negotiate and rewire. First, I have this great fear that I will be abandoned if I am too much of a burden. Next is the belief that if I cannot pull my own weight I will be considered weak. Then the saga goes on. If I am weak then I am worthless. If I am worthless then I am unlovable and if I am unlovable then I will be abandoned. I have not been this distressed from pain since 2008 when I ended up in the hospital for chronic pain and PTSD. The fear that this would happen again has been lingering in my mind at times. Continue reading →