For the last 7 weeks I have been embroiled in pain throughout my body. I am at the point where I am dependent on my husband and he is required to take on the full responsibility of the home. I struggle with this deeply because I feel I am a burden to him right now. He does not give me this feeling, I just have old ancestral beliefs that exist deep inside of me which I am always trying to negotiate and rewire. First, I have this great fear that I will be abandoned if I am too much of a burden. Next is the belief that if I cannot pull my own weight I will be considered weak. Then the saga goes on. If I am weak then I am worthless. If I am worthless then I am unlovable and if I am unlovable then I will be abandoned. I have not been this distressed from pain since 2008 when I ended up in the hospital for chronic pain and PTSD. The fear that this would happen again has been lingering in my mind at times.
On Wednesday of this week, I woke up feeling consumed by despair that this pain would never go away and my beliefs which I just shared earlier were haunting me even though my husband was gently and compassionately loving me while picking up all the home responsibilities. I gently gave myself the time to feel the despair, sadness and grief that was in every fiber of my being. After an hour or so, I choose to continue with my daily morning structures and routines which included reading something that facilitates my personal growth and development, meditation, cardio work and then Qi Gong. By the time noon came around I was in a totally new place.
In this new place, I was feeling my connection to the life force energy that is within me and also in everyone and everything in the universe. I felt so connected to all that is. I did not feel isolated and alone in my illness. I felt whole and complete even though I had difficulty holding my coffee cup or getting dressed. This sense of wholeness and completeness brought me this sense of wonder and awe to go along with my pain and my fear of abandonment. Then I reminded myself that now I am in a completely different place than I was in 2008. Yes, I did have that same level of chronic pain again, but today I have the ability to move through it. I can feel wonder and awe at my ability to live the fullness of my humanity – to hold a wide range of emotions and experiences yet feel deeply connected to all that is. Separation and loneliness appear to be only an illusion right now. I am fully alive and full of gratitude.