Exaltation amid Pain and Anguish

This week is a week of exaltation! There are so many things I have learned in the last few days. These have brought me to this place of developing a morning ritual in which I make a commitment to my own inner and outer marriages.

20150825_043652 During this ritual, I light the candle on the statue of a strong woman that I have had since I began my inner journey with my therapist 11 years ago. After the lighting of the candle, I commit myself to the following vows while looking in the mirror:

  • To adore, trust, appreciate, honor and respect the brilliance and wholeness of my heart, mind, body and spirit exactly as they are this day.
  • To love, trust, appreciate, honor and respect the wise and beautiful woman within as well as trust in the fact that I am the expert in my own inner healing.
  • To acknowledge and celebrate my new found strength in trusting who I am as well as trusting in my own personal way of knowing, being and making meaning in my life.
  • To trust, appreciate, honor, and respect my own lifelong journey of conscious evolution.

I then place a ring on my right hand as a reminder of this daily commitment.

Next, I make a commitment to my outer marriage with my husband by placing my wedding band on my left hand and committing myself to the following:

  • To adore, trust, appreciate, honor and respect my husband’s heart, mind, body and spirit exactly as they are this day.
  • To love, trust, appreciate, honor and respect the wise man within him as well as trusting in the fact that that he is the expert in his own inner journey and healing.
  • To acknowledge and trust in his personal way of knowing, being and making meaning in his life.
  • To trust, appreciate, honor, and respect his personal evolution on his part of our path.

Basically I am committing daily to create love, life and pleasure on purpose in my life. I finally feel I am worthy and deserving of this type of love, life and pleasure. I am using my power to create it for myself on a daily basis.

As I sit here writing and thinking about the past 11 years, I feel a sense of gratitude for my PTSD, chronic fatigue, and fibromyalgia for the first time. It has brought me on a long and dark journey to self-cultivation. I am embroiled in the pain and anguish of it right now but without it I wouldn’t have taken the time and effort to pursue a journey to find a cure and fix myself. Eleven years later, I really live a contemplative (yet somewhat solitary) life because I get overstimulated by sound, light, people and their energy. Most days I must be in a cave-like experience, which we have created in our finished basement. There are days where I function on very little sleep due to flashbacks and nightmares. There are days when I have such fatigue that I can barely move. On the other hand, I have never felt more alive, awake, and in love with myself and another person. I am at peace and I can celebrate my wholeness. This is my cure, may I remember to celebrate it daily!!

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