I had this dream the other night that I was in this brand new gymnasium. I was on the second floor track just overlooking all the activities on the first floor. I moved around freely and was curious to explore and free to inquire about what was happening. Suddenly I noticed that there were these large damaged spots in the ceiling of the auditorium. I asked why they weren’t fixed and they said they tried but were not able to fix them. They were going to leave it the way it was.
This dream really spoke to me. I have created a brand new life for myself over the last 11 years to manage my PTSD, which is my largest damaged spot.
I spent lots of money and lots of time pursuing every cure possible for PTSD. I fought myself for being on disability and not being able to hold a job. I was full of shame for that. Lately, I have come to a truce with it all. I have accepted that there are some wounds that cannot heal and that you have to build a whole new life to manage them. I have done that. I live a life of solitude during the day which has brought me on this intense inner journey the last 11 years. The solitude is key to help make my PTSD manageable and it has brought me a life that is rich and full.
Today, I joyfully choose solitude as a path of living a full life. I have grieved the loss of my other life of the “successful norm” but have found what my nature needs to thrive. Today, I joyfully choose to break that solitude at points during my day to be in partnership with my husband who I just adore. We are learning to develop a way of meeting my need for solitude to manage and his need for social situations. I also choose to break that solitude for a few good friends and my nieces and nephews. Today, I joyfully choose to live a life of inquiry and reflection. It gives my life meaning and purpose as I live with permanent chronic physical illnesses – PTSD, Fatigue and Fibromyalgia.