I woke up completely distressed Saturday and I could feel the grief and disappointment that I had not been cured so I just breathed into the feelings and let the energy flow through me. I felt gratitude for feeling the truth of my experience. As always I am so grateful I get to experience the fullness of my heart and the flow of energy and vitality within me. However, the hypervigilance I felt was painful because both anxiety and excitement bring me to a high level of physical distress.
The first thing I did that morning was to take my medication to help with the physical distress. Then I began my day as I do every day with a period of deep stillness while drinking decaf coffee so I will stay embodied throughout the silence. It is a wonderful experience to sit in darkness (around 4 am every morning) and listen to the sounds of nature while focusing on my statue of a strong woman who is holding a candle at her heart center. This is the woman I strive to be every day – a woman that lives from her heart and feels the fullness and depth of her human experience. She represents a woman that holds the pain and beauty of her life in the depths of her heart. Continue reading →
I feel drawn to deep stillness. Some days it is hard to find it because of my racing thoughts, but I find myself dedicating more time each day to be with this stillness. Right now when I spend time in stillness, it brings me to a deep level of grief, pain, depression and suffering.
Yesterday, I felt the fullness of my suffering and it weighed heavy on my heart all day. These feelings aren’t completely connected to my own story anymore. It is about the story of my parents and ancestors. I too carry all their suffering in every cell of my body. Not only do I feel this ancestral pain, I also feel the suffering of the world as well. It is because I have had the great gift of empathy my whole life and I feel the energy of others in their grief, pain and joy. I took on the energy of my students when I was teaching in the inner city and it still resides in my core. Unfortunately, I have never really learned how to manage this empathy up to this point. However, I would never give up this gift of empathy, but I am trying to learn not to let it overwhelm me.
A couple of weeks ago I decided that it was perfect timing for me to stop doing a lot of reading and listening to seminars and try to focus on writing a book about my experiences over the last 11 years. My reason for doing this is to organize and clarify the jumbled experiences I have had for myself during this time period. Thus, I began a journey of reading my old journals as far back as I had them which was 2007. (I had burnt the previous ones when I was in treatment as a sign of moving on.) However as I read back I became quickly aware of how much I thought about how I wanted to die. I was cutting myself to release the pain and shame, but thoughts of suicide danced through my head quite consistently. Continue reading →