A couple of weeks ago I decided that it was perfect timing for me to stop doing a lot of reading and listening to seminars and try to focus on writing a book about my experiences over the last 11 years. My reason for doing this is to organize and clarify the jumbled experiences I have had for myself during this time period. Thus, I began a journey of reading my old journals as far back as I had them which was 2007. (I had burnt the previous ones when I was in treatment as a sign of moving on.) However as I read back I became quickly aware of how much I thought about how I wanted to die. I was cutting myself to release the pain and shame, but thoughts of suicide danced through my head quite consistently.
I had vivid ideas of how I would get the job done so I could find peace from my suffering. I had decided that it was easier for me to commit suicide then deal with the anguish and pain of trying to have intimacy in my life with both my husband and therapist. What stopped me was the fact that I could not hurt my husband by doing this. So, this was the second issue I was dealing with in 2007 – adult attachment. I was always full of anger at my therapist and constantly thinking about ending our relationship before she could hurt or reject me.
Actually adult attachment and intimacy still are issues I struggle with today but to a much lesser degree. I am worried that I will overwhelm my husband with the significant needs I have as a result of my challenges of having PTSD, Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. I may always have a fear that he will leave me, even tough when I am rooted in my true self and when I see the gifts I bring to our marriage, abandonment or rejection does not haunt me as much. However, the fear of abandonment and insecure attachment are a significant part of my wounding. I have grown in this capacity because experiences over the last 17 years of my marriage have shown me that my husband is here for the long haul. Today, I can observe and hold the fear of abandonment/rejection while also knowing that our love runs deep.
Insecure attachments may always be part of my life. It was certainly part of my childhood. Embracing the pain and distress around adult attachment is really me choosing to live life fully – to take the risk to be my true self with two other people, to count on the fact that they would be there for me when I needed them has been a terrifying yet freeing learning experience. I still have doubts at times and I still read negative things into a remark or a look but I am trying to grow in this area. I did that just yesterday and apologized and reconnected today with my husband. I love having intimacy in my life but it does not come without a certain level of distress even today as I live fully human, fully alive.