This week I am beginning a new chapter in my life. I have finally come to the end of this intensive 11 year journey inward. My search for a “Cure” has ended and I no longer need to search the internet for other’s opinions of what could cure me. I now find that I can sit in deep gratitude for both the beauty and pain in my life and to celebrate the fullness of the human experience which I get to live each and every day with this beauty and pain. I have learned to live fully with it all by letting my heart feel the fullness of these seemingly contrasting feelings.

When I am feeling the intensity of any feelings I stop and befriend stillness. I focus on breathing into what I am experiencing in my heart.

I bring light and consciousness to it as I let both the beauty and pain flow through me and out into the universe. Generally I can remember that both of these feelings are just energy and vibrations passing through me. I have reached the point where I can usually just observe what lies in my heart and be grateful for it all. I remind myself that every time I feel the fullness of any intense feeling that I am truly fully living the human experience. Feeling and knowing I am so alive brings me a level of ecstasy that penetrates my whole being and for that I live in deep gratitude.

When I feel either beauty or pain or any other intense feelings, I often find it helpful to connect with my therapist or my husband and let them help me give language to my felt experience. I am so grateful they see me fully and allow me the gift of being heard and loved. Again, I am blessed to have 2 such strong relationships in my life.

It is now that my husband and I feel ready to venture out and get ourselves a new puppy, scheduled to be here in January. We decided that we were ready to make a 15 year commitment to focusing our lives at home in order to care for the dog. I am both nervous and excited and I realize that excitement elicits just as much pain because it brings intense energy and vibrations. I know I am ready for a dog because I am able to negotiate and find fullness in the pain that this exciting adventure is stirring up within me. I am looking to bring another loving entity into my life. Also, I think I am ready to add some chaos into my routine and structure life. Once again, I remember to bring stillness and light into my heart and let the energy and vibrations pass through me. Oh how great it is to feel so alive even with my PTSD, Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia.