Every day I reach a point where I feel my brain and body shutting down and I feel great fatigue taking over. But I think I have finally learned to bow to it and to honor it instead of fighting and resisting it. This is part of my normal. This is part of my nature. It has been with me my whole life due to early and long term trauma. I use to cry from my fatigue when I was in elementary and high school. It only got worse in college. During my career I would cry because of how tired I was from simply getting up and dressed in the morning. Once I got teaching, the children energized me but it became more and more difficult to continue on until I couldn’t do it anymore in 2006. My Chronic Fatigue hasn’t changed; however, my relationship with my fatigue is much more respectful, compassionate and gentle.
Just this morning, I tried to do my 30 minutes on the treadmill but after only 10 minutes I had to stop, it was just too much on my body. Instead of getting frustrated I found myself once again bowing and honoring the brilliance and nature of my body. I still feel the loss, sadness, despair and grief of not having enough energy to do all the things I want to do in a day, but I can also hold the brilliance of my body, of my nature. This is a true gift to be able to hold it all and to feel it all. Again, I feel so fully human, fully alive. There is no greater joy for me.
Right now, I have so much joy that I have found my heart’s desire even within the darkness of the last 11 years. I have a home full of love. I have a love and compassion for myself and I celebrate the brilliance and beauty of my nature. I celebrate my wholeness which includes my significant disabilities and illnesses. The compassion and kindness that I can extend to myself is a great gift! I can offer this gift to others throughout the world through this blog. This can happen while I necessarily live a somewhat solitary life.
The learning to love is a challenge isn’t it? The way you describe what you experience speaks volumes on the amount of recovery work you have done. Having a voice is no small thing.
Yes learning self love and self compassion is really a daily choice for me. I love that I have learned to be compassionate with my daily grief, despair and fear and to befriend my illnesses. The greatest thing is having a voice that I use every day. I was silenced for most of my life.
Thanks for reading my blog and your comment. I truly appreciate it.