My therapist asked what I felt towards the people that abused me or anyone who sexually, physically and emotionally abused others. I said I have to really ponder that question and this is what I have come up with so far.
I have always and continue to struggle with forgiveness of my abusers. I hate what happened to me but I am starting to see that it was these people’s human response to issues of power and powerlessness. It was a way of their taking control in a life full of uncertainty and unknowns as well as their deep fear and terror. It was a reaction to their emotional life and their inability to negotiate the intensity of their inner life, so they reacted and struck out at someone with less power. So I think I understand it more. I clearly see that their abusing me had nothing to do with me personally and with who I was and how I was in the world. It was more their inability to negotiate the depth of the human experience. Questions still remain – Can I forgive or am I forgiving by understanding the human challenges? Am I forgiving and moving beyond it by creating the life I want and desire (given my disabilities)? Am I forgiving and moving on by not trying to change the past and accepting that long term multiple traumas can stay with you for a life time? Am I forgiving and moving on by celebrating, embracing and fully living my life of Beauty and Pain? For me, this is the best I can do as far as forgiveness goes and it is good enough for me. I can say that each time I choose to befriend my life with kindness, compassion, and gentleness I am acting in a forgiving way to myself and influencing the world around me. Befriending myself is a choice and it is in that choice that my forgiveness comes forward. I have found my power now.