I really love this 21 day meditation retreat I am on. It is from the meditation series with Deepak and Oprah. We are focused on 4 principles: 1) I am loving and loveable, 2) I am safe and trusting, 3) I am worthy and 4) I am fulfilled and whole. I really am so excited that I feel these 4 principles deeply in my core. It is one of the many gifts of the path I have been on for the last 11 years. The mantra for today is I am compassion.
I have really learned about self-compassion the last year or so and I am making use of it this weekend. My husband is away at a family funeral. I could not make the trip due to my Chronic Fatigue so I am alone at home. This really kicks in my PTSD. Even though we have an alarm system and live in a safe town, I still find myself cowering in the house just waiting for someone to come in, attack me and kill me especially in the darkness. I have told you in the past that darkness is a real threat to me. So, I am working on learning to really embrace the darkness of night and recognize what many refer to as “darkness” within myself. As my therapist said this week, don’t be afraid of all your emotions or try to ignore them or make them go away, they are just natural feelings.
This has brought me to a place of real self-compassion and self-love. As I was cowering all night, I kept repeating yesterday’s mantra – I joyfully accept myself. What was happening to me was my truth and my nature. What was beautiful was that deep in my core I was able to joyfully accept myself. The hard work that I have done with myself, my therapist and my husband has helped me to come to this deep sense of self-acceptance and self-compassion. It is truly a hard-earned and pure gift.
I have been on a life quest to get to this place in my life and I am here. At first, I started to think about where I go from here. My therapist asked “Why don’t you just relax from the long journey?” I wondered how I could relax when I have PTSD. Well, the last 13 days on this retreat have really helped me to find stillness and quiet and to relax (albeit hypervigilantly) and enjoy the place I am at in my life. I feel ready to try to let go of the past and to just observe the worries about the future and to live in the present moment with these deep principles that are a new part of my core. I am loving and loveable. I am worthy. I am safe and trusting. I am fulfilled and whole.