I feel compelled to start to write again so here it is. A few weeks ago I met with one of my doctors. He said Janet, having cancer is a terrible thing and can rob you of your life but having a disease of the mind can also rob you of your life. As I first heard this I was in full agreement. Yes, my PTSD has robbed me from the life I knew. However, as time has passed since I heard this, I have really realized that for the last 11 years I have been building a totally new life.

One in which I can thrive as I manage my mental and physical health challenges. My life is filled with deep contemplation, grief and profound love. I couldn’t have asked or dreamed of having such vibrancy and aliveness in my life. I have been gifted with awe for I see how my life has developed beyond my wildest dreams.

Since November 2015, I have been making a daily commitment to adore, trust, love, honor and respect the brilliance and wholeness as well as the woundedness of my heart, mind, body and spirit exactly as it is each day. I have lived into this commitment. Just yesterday, my suffering was intense. After some reflection I realized that what I was feeling was deep grief and loss but at the same time I was feeling this deep sense of profound love for myself and another as well as for the world at large. I have also found a profound love for Maggie, our new puppy.

Truly my life is different than I had planned but it is no less miraculous. I have committed my life to being a professional inner researcher and to share my learnings in this blog as I open myself to a continuous process of emergence.

I have found a wealth of communities and learning opportunities on line and I would like to share how they are contributing to my emergence as a more conscious and alive entity. I will always have profound grief; the beauty is now I can really feel the wholeness of it. My grief has invited a profound ability to love and really has transformed my world. I am so glad I have stopped pushing away my grief and stopped feeling a need to attain happiness. What I strive for each day is a sense of aliveness and that means to embrace the fullness of my entire inner life, the grief as well as the joy, the hate as well as the love. It is all part of my aliveness.