Living with PTSD, I have often had real problems with sleep. I am fortunately finding a balance of routines and medications (my tools) to help me have a full night sleep and I am grateful for that each morning. This morning I woke up rested but also mentally tired. I realize that this is my norm and holding this reality with love is where I am finding balance in my life.
I have spent the early part of this day reflecting on how I have really found this balance in my life, not in being cured but in holding my experience with true love and compassion. This morning my distress was palpable and intense, I felt I was crawling out of my skin because my hypervigilance was so strong. So, what I need to still assess is how to deal with it. If I wait until it is intense, then none of my tools will take it away. So I wonder how to balance the early morning and if taking medication first is the right way to try to prevent this anxiety.
I know that my participatory and anticipatory anxiety is very high each morning and has been for years. It is the most difficult time in my day because I am anxious about how I will get everything done in my day. In addition, I am also anxious about how challenging this day will be for me and if I will be able to handle my distress without trying to push it away or take a medication to solve my dilemma.
Holding these possibilities in great love and compassion is really about my true self and my ability to find balance in my life. I always thought balance and the art of being my true self would help me be without my suffering. To be honest, it has only made my anxiety worse because I feel such intense freedom and joy and that I am truly living a fully inspired life. Unfortunately, such strong emotions, though totally positive still feeds my hypervigilance. Regardless, today I am going to celebrate that I have found true balance in my life and feel the joy and freedom that comes with being able to hold all of my experiences with deep love and compassion. I can feel myself wrapping my arms around my body with deep affection as it soothes the distress in my body. I am really having a love affair with my lived experience mentally, physically and spiritually – again, living truly an inspired life.