Life is a Balance

Living with PTSD, I have often had real problems with sleep. I am fortunately finding a balance of routines and medications (my tools) to help me have a full night sleep and I am grateful for that each morning. This morning I woke up rested but also mentally tired. I realize that this is my norm and holding this reality with love is where I am finding balance in my life.

I have spent the early part of this day reflecting on how I have really found this balance in my life, not in being cured but in holding my experience with true love and compassion. This morning my distress was palpable and intense, I felt I was crawling out of my skin because my hypervigilance was so strong. So, what I need to still assess is how to deal with it. If I wait until it is intense, then none of my tools will take it away. So I wonder how to balance the early morning and if taking medication first is the right way to try to prevent this anxiety.

I know that my participatory and anticipatory anxiety is very high each morning and has been for years. It is the most difficult time in my day because I am anxious about how I will get everything done in my day. In addition, I am also anxious about how challenging this day will be for me and if I will be able to handle my distress without trying to push it away or take a medication to solve my dilemma.

Holding these possibilities in great love and compassion is really about my true self and my ability to find balance in my life. I always thought balance and the art of being my true self would help me be without my suffering. To be honest, it has only made my anxiety worse because I feel such intense freedom and joy and that I am truly living a fully inspired life. Unfortunately, such strong emotions, though totally positive still feeds my hypervigilance. Regardless, today I am going to celebrate that I have found true balance in my life and feel the joy and freedom that comes with being able to hold all of my experiences with deep love and compassion. I can feel myself wrapping my arms around my body with deep affection as it soothes the distress in my body. I am really having a love affair with my lived experience mentally, physically and spiritually – again, living truly an inspired life.


2 thoughts on “Life is a Balance

  1. iwalkwithalimp

    I also have to deal with hypervigilance. I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep since I was eight – before the trauma began. I wake up many times during the night and get out of bed every morning exhausted. I am inspired by your ability to hold your PTSD with love and compassion. I am not there yet, or at least, I never think of trying to do that. I will work on this. I think it is an important part of the healing process. Thanks for sharing. 🙂

    1. janetcate Post author

      I feel like I live with hypervigilance 24 hours a day because of the deep joy and power I feel in my life right now. I never thought this joy could be so challenging to live with on a daily basis. Today I did my Qigong practice combined with some medication and it brought me to a level of calmness for a while. I really revel in the release of the suffering. This is what my day is about.
      I think you will get to a place where you can hold all of your life with deep compassion, empathy and love. It has taken me 14 years of deep inner discovery.
      By the way, thanks for your thoughts and sharing.


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