Category Archives: PTSD

A Grateful Heart

Today I have decided to publish my gratitude list that I do every morning. It is a beautiful way to start my day.

  • So grateful I have found the magical moments between 3-5 am when I feel so deeply connected to the energies of the universe, the cosmos and my own deep intuition.
  • So grateful for the gift of curiosity that has come into my life. I am interested in exploring the science of the living universe. I am interested in exploring the cosmos and the psyche. I am interested in exploring so many things. It is a beautiful gift to have found in my life and I get to have this gift for the rest of my life even though I have to hold the suffering that goes with it.  Today and every day, I have the daily practices and medications to help me manage the suffering to a degree so I am grateful for that.
  • So grateful that I feel life is a beautiful adventure and that I can hold Radical Unknowingness in this adventure. I look at aging as an adventure but I have no idea how it will go. However, I find it really exciting to see the changes that are happening as I age. What I do know is that I will keep this gift of inner aliveness that I have found in the last 13 years even though it causes me suffering. I can embrace again Radical Unknowingness with what happens during death and after death but I do know that my life will feed others some day so in that way I think of myself as being eternal.
  • So grateful that I found the energy to walk 30 minutes with my family and to do my Qigong. Due to my chronic fatigue I was unable to do them yesterday or sometimes for days at a time.
  • So grateful I am making the choice to explore my relationship with food. I am choosing to eat just whole foods, nothing from a box and eliminating sugar, dairy and gluten to see if it helps my overall condition. However, the main reason I am doing it is that over the last 13 years I have developed a deep love affair with my body and I want to treat it in respectful, holistic ways. It is not about weight for me, it is about loving my body tenderly.

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Something Larger Than Myself

I have been up since 1am. I could not sleep and I felt a call from the universe to be awake. I live my day with a constant process of discovery and I am thriving with it. I love being on this adventure with the universe. I love being part of an evolving learning system. Unfortunately, my central nervous system continues to be hyperaroused throughout this process so while I feel so free, empowered and excited, I also experience deep, deep suffering. I am now seeing my suffering as also being connected to planetary suffering. We are at one, I feel I am a Bio-Cosmic Being.

I realize that my suffering is part of a larger picture and so I don’t feel so alone with my suffering. In addition, I hold both the suffering of myself and the planet in deep compassion and see it as part of the evolving learning system.



Today is another step towards my liberation and freedom, actually every day is. I am so grateful that I have a complete openness to my emotional, physical, mental and spiritual growth and development. I have always had this innate ability, I just never had the complete confidence in my path towards these goals. So today I can celebrate that I have that confidence as well as the ability to trust the wisdom of my gut brain, heart brain and head brain. For me, trusting in these three brain centers is truly connecting to my soul and my true, authentic self.

Trying to manage and recover from my illnesses over the last thirteen years has brought me to this beautiful and freeing place in my life. I never dreamed I could feel so free, liberated and so intimately connected to myself, others and the sacredness of life as it is in every moment.


A Blessed Day

Today has been a blessed day because I have come to a holy embrace of my suffering. With that embrace came a deep sense of rest and warmth with all that is. I am in the worst pain I have been in in my life but at the same time I feel this sense of deep gratitude for being able to hold with love all that I am feeling and experiencing. I never knew life could feel so complete and fulfilling while being able to hold all of my internal experience. There is this great sense of empowerment and liberation! I no longer fear or try to be free of my pain and suffering. I am embracing it as part of me living fully human, fully awake and part of the sacredness of me and my life. I sit in deep gratitude and fascination for all of my life while also embracing grief and sadness for my suffering.



Reflection Time

This morning has been a period of deep reflection and silence as I waited dawn, listening to the birds. I have this practice that each morning I greet dawn by saying yes to all that the day will hold for me. This has become easier to do because I am at a place that I am deeply rooted in the belief that everything that happens in my life is contributing to my empowerment, liberation, freedom and expansion while increasing my ability to be a co-creator of my life. All of what is happening is leading to greater self- discovery and personal development, two things I have fully committed to in my life. It is my life’s path. Even the suffering that I have every day has contributed to my complete wholeness and magnificence because I have grown in my ability to be compassionate and loving towards myself and others. Continue reading

Energy Draining Events

Having had two days with family and being in Boston has really challenged me health-wise. It was great to celebrate my nephews’ graduations and it was great to see family but it has taken a great toll on me. My fatigue and brain fog are very challenging. I have been somewhat incapacitated from the experience. This is my reality and I am at peace because I am fully accepting my reality and not focused on wishing it would be different. Continue reading

Time to Rest

After a 13 year process, I feel it is time for me to rest in ease, love and grace while at the same time recognizing the great distress from my hypervigilance. It is time for me to rest in self love, self mastery and self realization while at the same time experiencing my illnesses. It is time for me to celebrate the life I have built over these 13 years; a beautiful life of a mystic in relationship. There have been some long and harrowing years but feel that I have come to this place of completion. I am so grateful for those who have journeyed these years with me. Their love and support was always completely felt and really saved my life. Continue reading