Tag Archives: Living with PTSD

Oh So Grateful

I am so grateful I have the opportunity to allow my deeper knowing to lead me through my day. Grateful I am able to be in resonance with the energies of the universe within me and around me and letting them lead me through my day. As I look back over the last 13 years, I can see them all as pure gift for I have creatively learned to gently and respectfully work with my severe PTSD, Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia.

Now I feel completely and fully myself in the world as I am. Now I live fully aligned with my deep inner knowing and I can trust that implicitly. Again, there is no greater gift to celebrate this Holiday Season.

At this Holiday season I am also celebrating the intimacy, attachment and sense of belonging I have developed with myself, others and the Cosmos. It brings me a sense of pure love, power and creativity. These are all gifts of my 13 year journey to health, wholeness and deep freedom.

Today I would say I am completely healed and whole for I truly understand and can hold the deep suffering from my PTSD, Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. I can hold it with such a fearless compassion for myself and my lived experience.

I read this book from Peter Levine, Waking the Tiger, many years ago but one idea stayed with me. He talked about how for some people their power, passion and life force energy can cause great hypervigilance. I held on to this idea because somewhere within me it resonated with my core understanding. I am in a place of power, passion and alignment with the life force energy within me and yet my suffering has never been worse. It is making my physical conditions worse as well. My ability to hold it all with fearless compassion for myself only contributes to the compassion I can have for others experiencing the complexity of the true human experience.

For all of this I stand in wonder, awe and deep respect for who I am and how I am in the universe. I weep with deep joy and bliss for the wonder of my life and for my being deeply connected to the creative evolutionary impulse within me and around me as I am. These are great things to celebrate this Holiday Season.

Best wishes to you all this Holiday Season.

My Deepest Truths

There are several truths that I can hold deep in my core, soulful self.

Life is always working for me.

I can trust in my unfolding.

I know that my life will continue to lead me to a deeper reality and help me find my deepest core self as a fully energetic, infinite being.

I know that my illnesses have been and continue to be part of what is moving me to this deeper reality, a deeper consciousness. Now, I find great gratitude for the gifts my illnesses have brought into my life.

I know deep in my core that I am not a separated self and that I live in deep connection with all that is.



A Grateful Heart

Today I have decided to publish my gratitude list that I do every morning. It is a beautiful way to start my day.

  • So grateful I have found the magical moments between 3-5 am when I feel so deeply connected to the energies of the universe, the cosmos and my own deep intuition.
  • So grateful for the gift of curiosity that has come into my life. I am interested in exploring the science of the living universe. I am interested in exploring the cosmos and the psyche. I am interested in exploring so many things. It is a beautiful gift to have found in my life and I get to have this gift for the rest of my life even though I have to hold the suffering that goes with it.  Today and every day, I have the daily practices and medications to help me manage the suffering to a degree so I am grateful for that.
  • So grateful that I feel life is a beautiful adventure and that I can hold Radical Unknowingness in this adventure. I look at aging as an adventure but I have no idea how it will go. However, I find it really exciting to see the changes that are happening as I age. What I do know is that I will keep this gift of inner aliveness that I have found in the last 13 years even though it causes me suffering. I can embrace again Radical Unknowingness with what happens during death and after death but I do know that my life will feed others some day so in that way I think of myself as being eternal.
  • So grateful that I found the energy to walk 30 minutes with my family and to do my Qigong. Due to my chronic fatigue I was unable to do them yesterday or sometimes for days at a time.
  • So grateful I am making the choice to explore my relationship with food. I am choosing to eat just whole foods, nothing from a box and eliminating sugar, dairy and gluten to see if it helps my overall condition. However, the main reason I am doing it is that over the last 13 years I have developed a deep love affair with my body and I want to treat it in respectful, holistic ways. It is not about weight for me, it is about loving my body tenderly.

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Something Larger Than Myself

I have been up since 1am. I could not sleep and I felt a call from the universe to be awake. I live my day with a constant process of discovery and I am thriving with it. I love being on this adventure with the universe. I love being part of an evolving learning system. Unfortunately, my central nervous system continues to be hyperaroused throughout this process so while I feel so free, empowered and excited, I also experience deep, deep suffering. I am now seeing my suffering as also being connected to planetary suffering. We are at one, I feel I am a Bio-Cosmic Being.

I realize that my suffering is part of a larger picture and so I don’t feel so alone with my suffering. In addition, I hold both the suffering of myself and the planet in deep compassion and see it as part of the evolving learning system.



Today is another step towards my liberation and freedom, actually every day is. I am so grateful that I have a complete openness to my emotional, physical, mental and spiritual growth and development. I have always had this innate ability, I just never had the complete confidence in my path towards these goals. So today I can celebrate that I have that confidence as well as the ability to trust the wisdom of my gut brain, heart brain and head brain. For me, trusting in these three brain centers is truly connecting to my soul and my true, authentic self.

Trying to manage and recover from my illnesses over the last thirteen years has brought me to this beautiful and freeing place in my life. I never dreamed I could feel so free, liberated and so intimately connected to myself, others and the sacredness of life as it is in every moment.


A Blessed Day

Today has been a blessed day because I have come to a holy embrace of my suffering. With that embrace came a deep sense of rest and warmth with all that is. I am in the worst pain I have been in in my life but at the same time I feel this sense of deep gratitude for being able to hold with love all that I am feeling and experiencing. I never knew life could feel so complete and fulfilling while being able to hold all of my internal experience. There is this great sense of empowerment and liberation! I no longer fear or try to be free of my pain and suffering. I am embracing it as part of me living fully human, fully awake and part of the sacredness of me and my life. I sit in deep gratitude and fascination for all of my life while also embracing grief and sadness for my suffering.



Reflection Time

This morning has been a period of deep reflection and silence as I waited dawn, listening to the birds. I have this practice that each morning I greet dawn by saying yes to all that the day will hold for me. This has become easier to do because I am at a place that I am deeply rooted in the belief that everything that happens in my life is contributing to my empowerment, liberation, freedom and expansion while increasing my ability to be a co-creator of my life. All of what is happening is leading to greater self- discovery and personal development, two things I have fully committed to in my life. It is my life’s path. Even the suffering that I have every day has contributed to my complete wholeness and magnificence because I have grown in my ability to be compassionate and loving towards myself and others. Continue reading