This was another challenging night of sleep and I again woke up highly aroused. In my early morning reflection, I felt the grief for my suffering while at the same time holding so much excitement about my life and how each moment is a moment of infinite possibility. I have such a rich and vibrant learning community on line whose main focus is personal expansion. There are so many ways to expand your soul by taking an inquiry stance to self discovery. This is what I am dedicating my life to each day. It is an exhilarating way to live and it brings me great joy, however, it contributes to my suffering and inability to sleep. I am fortunate to have found a gift, I have learned to hold and dance with it all. I am full of immense gratitude.
Today I am in full celebration mode. I am celebrating that I feel I have reached a peak in my human potential – I am able to bask in the beauty of my full human, divine, sovereign self. I am able to dance with the energies of my fear and terror as well as my unfathomable joy. I am able to sit in resonance with all that I am feeling in my embodied self and to share that with others. I no longer try to judge my emotional world as light or dark, good or bad, positive or negative, right or wrong. I see it all as part of my experiencing the fullness of my humanity and therefore, my divine sovereign self.
I am still gripped by the fear and terror. Clearly, it is always there in the back of my mind. For example, every time I let the dog out into the yard, I cannot leave the door open until she comes back in. I have to close the door and bolt it and then only open it when she is on the top step ready to come in. There is this terror that someone will come in when the door is open and that I will be vulnerable to violence (my fear stories).
Today I am so gripped by fear and terror I need to have the house completely alarmed and still there is this sense of not being safe. Continue reading →
I have been up most of the night. I thought this would happen when I went to bed because I was so stricken by the fear and terror of the night’s darkness today. I could feel the fear and terror come over me as darkness approached. I felt so sad that no matter how much I changed my beliefs, attitudes and fear stories I tell myself, I cannot undo my past completely. Bessel van der Kolk says that the problem with PTSD is that the past stays in the present. This is true for me.
I am going to start regarding my illnesses as not a problem. I am going to let them be something other than a threat. I think of them as a threat because they leave me feeling so vulnerable and brings up my uncertainty of being abundantly enough as I am right now. I am going to experience them as an expression of higher sound vibration and frequency that is moving through my body. I am going to treat my hyperarousal as information and listen with my heart, trying to feel what to it is intending to teach me. Continue reading →
I have come to the conclusion that I have learned to live in a constant state of amazement no matter what else I am feeling. Today I am holding both my great anxiety with my sense of wonder and amazement. It is a pure gift to be able to be present to the moment right now as opposed to my past practice of separating from it. I sit with my hands wide open and letting the universe hold this intensity with me. I am loving this moment and at the same time feeling sadness for my suffering. I am complete because I have such a rich inner life.
The words I am raining on the inside, my heart wells up with tears that want to pour by Amy Grant rings true for me today. I have everything I want in life and more for after all all I ever sought after was an abundance of love. I have that in my life and it fills me with wonder, amazement and awe. However, this all contributes to my deep suffering and for that I want to cry but I am unable to release this suffering through tears. I have to sit with open hands. I feel myself pleading for relief and I embrace all of it in the present moment. I embrace and love that I am so fully alive yet I mourn such deep suffering. I long for a central nervous system that is not hyperaroused while experiencing wonder and amazement. I cry out to the universe for relief.
Today I am taking a much more feminine approach to my illnesses in that I am allowing them to exist and not trying to eliminate them. I have developed a spiritual partnership with them and I am letting them teach me about true health and wholeness. Together we are learning deeper ways of being, knowing and meaning making and it makes my life richer every day. I am full of gratitude.
I am on a soul’s journey towards a greater continuity of consciousness. I am deeply drawn in by a sense of wonder for the unknown and for life’s possibilities. It sounds great but it is really triggering my hyperaroused central nervous system. I haven’t been able to sleep for days. Continue reading →
I am reveling in the truth that my physical and emotional symptoms are a real part of my destiny. They have helped to bring me to this path of harmony, abundance and oneness to all that is. I have been longing for this moment my entire life, even though I did not realize it earlier.