I find myself having to stop and rub my head to soothe myself from this unrelenting anxiety I have from feeling so fully alive mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. I reach out to connect with Lisa and my husband. I do not need to talk to them, I just need to think of their love and my heart becomes so full while I live with such pain and suffering. I have really lived into my mantra, I embrace my life with ease and flow.
There are so many reasons why I feel so alive.
Mentally I am really intrigued by the energy systems in the body. Those described by Chinese medicine, by Eastern Body and Western Mind, by the work of Lynne McTagggart and so many other things. I have never felt so intellectually stimulated and I am managing my brain fog and cognitive challenges simply by accepting them as they arise.
Physically I have been reflecting on the trillions of cells within my body that are performing seamlessly even though I live with chronic pain and fatigue. The amazement and miraculousness of my body are teaching me so much about the awe in life even with the pain and fatigue. This brings me such an aliveness and an energy that floods my body. I am overcome with gratitude.
Spiritually I am clear about what I believe. I believe in mystery and awe of existence as well as my connection to all things through our common life force energy. I have sat looking out my window and have watched the trees and flowers start to come alive. I too am becoming alive as I am every day.
Finally, I have embraced the intensity of my emotional life and have stopped thinking that I have to attain positive emotions. I no longer see my emotions as either negative and positive. I feel them all and am grateful for experiencing them all as well as experiencing their accompanying energy because this is where my true aliveness reigns. It is a fact that when you have PTSD your emotions are intense and a challenge to regulate at times. Again, I have come to a place of acceptance of this and have the tools to manage them. I would never want to go back to the world of not feeling the wealth and depth of all of my emotions.
All of this aliveness and the energy from this aliveness is beyond beauty but it is also contributing to my challenges. Once again, I touch into my deep grief and loss but I am so grateful to be alive. I AM and I AM EMERGING are two sentences I can finally say and be grounded in. Words alone seem inadequate to express this experience anymore.